And with life comes change...

And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Still my soul will sing your praise unending 10,000 years and then forever more Bless the lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship his holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I worship your holy name

Read more: MATT REDMAN - 10,000 REASONS LYRICS

 I haven’t blogged recently since Clinton and I have been back to the States. While I have many things to tell about our update on life—I’m returning to my blog now to write about my Grandma who passed away on Saturday night, November 10^th.

It was 1 year ago (and a few days) that my Grandpa passed away. It’s hard to watch another close family member leave this world. I’m reminded how life is not only fragile but that it’s also fleeting. I find myself still grieving for my Grandpa, and the realization that my Grandma is also gone makes my heart ache.

To be honest—it makes me realize how little I like change. I consider myself fairly flexible. Though I like to have things planned, I have proceeded through my life thus far with arms open to new and unknown things. I’ve embraced these things, I’ve enjoyed them, I’ve also struggled with them. All in all, though, I’ve considered myself better for my ability to be open and willing.

As an adult, however, I feel (and whether this is true or not—who knows) change comes more frequently; families change and grow, friendships strengthen or die out, life becomes busier, struggle feels more present, and life continues to happen despite whether you’re ready for it or not. So with this process—I feel more resistant to change. I feel even resentful that as I get older, I will most likely see death happen more frequently, I will see a total change in the structure of families and friends around me—things will never be the same and basically…I don’t know what to do with this.

I guess when I feel pain, I self-reflect—I realize it’s a little morbid…sorry for that.

My Grandma was an interesting woman. She had deep Pennsylvania-Dutch roots, she took pride in her cooking and her sewing, she held a steadfast faith in Jesus, she loved to write poetry, she enjoyed reading, and she took joy in the life as a grandmother.

   

I’m thankful for the precious memories that I hold close to my heart. I’m thankful that my grandparents moved to Ohio to watch my sister and I grow and be there in our every-day lives. I’m thankful that my grandparents were alive to celebrate my graduation from high school and college. They were there to witness my marriage to Clinton and they were there to pray for us each day that we were in Ecuador.

I’m sad that they will never meet my children.

Today I was touched in church by a song we sang. I had trouble singing it and just listened while trying to hold back tears (unfortunately—I was unsuccessful at the “holding back” part). It made me think of both my grandparents in heaven and it reminded me that I will and must go on with life and that I can continue to find strength and comfort from Jesus.

Bless the lord oh my soul

Oh my soul Worship his holy name

 Sing like never before Oh my soul

 I worship your holy name

The sun comes up

It's a new day dawning

It's time to sing your song again

What ever may pass and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the lord oh my soul

Oh my soul

Worship his holy name

Sing like never before

Oh my soul

I worship your holy name

You're rich in love and you're slow to anger

Your name is great and your heart is kind

For all your goodness i will keep on singing

10,000 reasons for my heart to find

Bless the lord oh my soul

Oh my soul

Worship his holy name

 Sing like never before

Oh my soul I worship your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing

The end draws near and my time has come

Still my soul will sing your praise unending

10,000 years and then forever more

Writing is therapeutic ….

Getting back into life in the USA

So I realize that I don’t write enough—but when I do, whether in a journal, on this blog, or even in a card—it’s therapeutic. Obviously I enjoy writing—but I also enjoy quiet communication. Since I’m an introvert, I need alone time or time where there is little to distract my mind, so that I can mentally rest. Spoken conversation often wearies me, that’s when a letter, email, or even a text is refreshing.

As anticipated, the past couple weeks have been hard. Clinton and I made the decision to leave Ecuador for numerous reasons. One of the main reasons, however, was that I was feeling emotionally drained. The thought of having the “comfort” of our own culture, language, and family around seemed to be the best remedy for this. We moved forward with our decision fully knowing that the grass is not greener, however, and that we would still face challenges and struggles especially in the transition.

It was just yesterday that Clinton and I were talking about Ecuador with a family member. After describing our work, our friends, our community—I made a passing comment “why did we leave?” I was already craving a different comfort of a close-knit community, one that accepted us and took us in the on the first day. I’m missing my friends, and I’m missing a work community that helped me grow in my profession, but also in my faith….and I’m reminded again, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Am I regretting our decision—no. I am confident in our decision and I am confident that God has a plan for us through the changes. I know that He’ll use us anywhere we go and I know that He’s with us. This is easier to say than feel, however, and though I believe it—I feel numb to it when I tell myself  this…especially during the job searching process.

I have truly been blessed in the job arena. I really have had numerous job offers which has been great—now the timing of them all, not so great…so Clinton and I had to make tough decisions since choosing a job would dictate where we will live and what we’ll do. The final decision for me has been to take a full time job at a charter high school (still a public school, but slightly different in how it’s run). I’ll be working there as a high school ESL teacher full time. I will also be an adjunct professor at Messiah College. This is the position I am most excited about since it’s the direction I wish to take my career in the future. I’ll be teaching two sections of the same class, two nights a week. The class is TESOL methods—essentially, I’ll be teaching education majors how to work with ESL students. I’m excited to share my love and passion for this area of education.

Yes it’s a lot—and my family (on both sides) have expressed concern for the load I’m taking on. Right now the Messiah classes are only for the fall, so I’ll be able to figure out how I like it. I’ve also decided to take a quarter of “leave” from my PhD studies in order to take that pressure off during this time. I’ll plan to resume in the January.

As many of you who have gone through the job searching process know, it can be extremely frustrating and very draining. You withstand a lot of rejection. Clinton has had some great interviews and yet the right job has not yet fallen into his lap. Right now he says “I just want a job” and these are the times when I remind myself that God knows and provides. With that said, during the past week he’s been called for numerous interviews as the schools are getting down to the last couple weeks before classes resume. Please continue to pray with us and for us as this search continues.

Much of starting life in Pennsylvania means taking on a lot of firsts for us. Since we lived in New York right after getting married, there were a lot of things we didn’t experience as a newly married couple; one of those things being purchasing a car. We happily bought our first car a couple weeks ago; we also found an apartment and will be moving in two weeks from yesterday. We’re slowing but surely settling in.

Love my new (well slightly used) car!

I was comforted yet frustrated by someone reminding me that most people at home would not understand how I would feel during the transition. Sometimes I selfishly want to shout it out to people—“you don’t understand.” It’s not like moving to a different state, it’s not like saying good bye to friends at college, it’s a whole different and challenging and emotional experience. I find myself crying out to God a lot when I feel alone and isolated. This sounds familiar because I said I felt alone and isolated in Ecuador—but the cycle can continue in different ways. What I’m most thankful for is my husband. I love experiencing life together and I am blessed to have someone to experience and help me through the challenges too.

So I’m ending my therapy session for today (= I’m certain it had elements of spastic writing and disjointed thoughts.

Thanks for listening in on my unspoken conversation. 

I’m not a mother….

So today is a celebratory day of motherhood; a tribute to those who either endured nine months before giving birth or those who waited months or years to welcome a child from another woman’s womb into their home. The past couple of days I’ve noted that media strip on yahoo has blasted articles such as “TVs worst mothers,” “Last minute gifts for mom,” or “Mothers share incredible stories.”

Like many things in our society, though the role of a mother is 24/7, we make sure to bring all the focus on her once a year. This is the one time per year that you should say “thank you mom,” the one time of year where, as a mother, you may stop and think “wow—I’m truly blessed.” I’m not trying to say you wouldn’t do this other times during the year, but really—in our busy lives, how many times do we do either of these things.

The title of my blog is an obvious one—I’m not a mother. I don’t say this in bitterness, in sadness, in happiness, or in jealousy.  It’s just a fact. I guess I’m continuing in the trend that in this moment in the year—I’m thinking about motherhood and my circumstances. Clinton and I have not yet embarked on this part of our lives. I guess we figure we only get to be young, married, and with no children once in our lives, right? What’s the rush?

In the same token, I see motherhood as that next step in the process. You’re single and you feel out of touch with the married world, you’re married without children and you feel out of touch with the married with children world. I wonder how many times we go through our lives dwelling on what our personal circumstances are NOT when we should focus on what they ARE.

With that sentiment, even though I am a woman and have potential to become a mother—I don’t want to focus on me. I don’t want to be recognized of having that potential until it is actually so. Instead, I’d like to recognize the woman in my life.

My mom

Everybody who meets my mom loves her. She’s quirky and eccentric, and yet lovable. She's so beautiful too. I remember growing up and watching her get ready to go out. I always thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She has taught me the importance of independence, self-confidence, thankfulness, and what it means to capture the moment. She has modeled to me what it means to be an equal partner in a marriage. She has showed me how to move forward with forgiveness and humbleness in the midst of mistakes and troubles. She wears her heart on her sleeve, shows compassion and care, and models Christ’s love on a daily basis.

I can tell my mom anything and everything. She’s my best friend and I know she’s a friend that I will never lose. The great thing about our relationship is that she’s obviously oh so much wiser than me. She can talk through things I am going through and share how she got through them (or didn’t get through them) and what she learned from that.

Is she perfect—no, nobody is. Our mother-daughter relationship has had its fair share of yelling matches and disagreements. I appreciate her friendship, however, and her steady (and yes, sometimes biased) advice (= She is always there for me. I love her!

My sister

My sister has been a mother now for two years. She has a precious daughter that she cherishes. I love watching her be a mother. She likes to get silly with M and it actually reminds me of my mom. I feel like I’ve missed a lot of seeing her grow as a mother and M grow up since I’ve been in Ecuador, but I’m excited to soon be close again and be with both of them! My sister has always been someone that I look up to. The joke in our family when I was younger was that when ElisaBeth said something, I would say “me too.”

And while my sister is coaxing me to start motherhood---and as I said, we’re not quite reading—I know that she’ll be there for me every step of the way. I admire her ability to balance work and home and her strength as a woman, mother, daughter, and sister. I really love her!

My Grandma

The past couple of years my Grandma has been dealing with dementia. This is a very hard process to watch—especially when I was at my Grandpa’s funeral and she kept asking me who had died. When she realized it was my Grandpa, she was devastated. Ten minutes later she’d ask again and when through the devastation again. It was tough.

 

What I love is that I have amazing memories of my Grandma when we both were younger. My grandparents moved to Ohio when I was young so that they could be present in our lives on a daily basis. We went to their house once and week—there I would cook with my Grandma, sew with her, and play the organ with my Grandpa. I was blessed to have this time with them as a child.

About ten years ago, my Grandma wrote down all her recipes in a book for me. This was when her handwriting was strong and her mind clear. In it she wrote “I sure hope…you’ll keep it forever so that someday you can say to you own family ‘My Gram and I used to cook and bake together…” I guess that’s what I’m doing now. It’s hard to watch someone get older, become frail and vulnerable. I don’t like this part of growing up—but I do cherish those memories of when she was at her best. I love her so much!

My Mother-in-Law

 
When I first met Priscilla, I think I had only been dating Clinton a couple weeks. I was unsure of the “meeting the mom” part of the deal. I remember asking my friend, Joy, to come along with me (= I’ve definitely come a long way from there.

I think through the initial stages of marriage, any person…male or female…is unsure how to maneuver through their “new” family. You always hear that saying of “you don’t just marry the person, but you marry the family.” While that is often said sarcastically and with rolling eyes, I was blessed to marry Clinton AND become a part of his family.

I would not say that all was easy at first—Clinton’s family is a boy’s family. I realized quickly that Priscilla enjoyed the presence of another woman in the midst of it all (= I had to learn the dynamics of the family and what it meant to have in-laws.

 

Priscilla has come along side me in my medical issues, she has talked through with me my struggles and successes in the doctorate process, and she has taken me to her Zumba class! This summer, we spent a lot of time in Pennsylvania and she was there for me when I hit a couple bumps in the road. She encouraged me and showed compassion. Over Christmas, I probably cried more than once in front of her and she was quick to hug me and comfort me. My mom and her are very similar in that they are strong-spirited women. I admire Priscilla for her ability to sustain a family of MEN and for setting a great example as a woman who has accomplished a lot in her life—both in family and career. I have really come to love her as a member of my own family.

My Sister-in-Law

This Christmas Clinton’s brother got married to Heather. Heather and Ted started dating when we were living in New York. After that, we moved to Ecuador—so again, there are relationships in my life that haven’t had too much time to develop but I look forward to the future.

 

I think Priscilla would agree that adding yet another woman to the family is always a good thing! I don’t know Heather well—but the little time I have spent with her, I have noticed her joy for life and love for her own family and for Ted. I am excited to have another sister and to be there for each other through the journeys of life. I probably get too carried away with the “big sister” mentality since I am actually a little sister and the idea is new to me. I look forward to creating and growing a relationship with Heather and loving her as a sister.

My Grandma

   I did not know my mom's mom because she died when I was only a couple months old. From what I've heard about her--she had a rough life. My mom has said, though, that I would have loved her because she was so fun. Through her struggles too, she loved Christ. I'm looking forward to one day meeting her again.

So YES I am thankful for the women in my life!

Decisions in life...

Well here’s the worst blogger of the year! I have been trying to manage work, school, and life and it definitely hasn’t been easy. My doctorate studies have been intense and I have found it really hard to get motivated. If you know me, you know that actually this usually isn’t that much of a problem. In the past, schoolwork is always something that I’ve been on top of and made myself push through and do. I decided to take on an independent study because of my past motivation, but it’s been harder than I thought! In some ways I feel totally schooled out and wonder how I’m ever going to get through this. The good news is I’m plugging away, slowly and surely, and my hope is one day soon a second wind will kick in! I guess we’ll see….

A lot has happened in the past couple months. I turned 27 in March, Clinton and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary last week, and we decided this would be our last year in Ecuador.

Yes…I saved the biggie for last in that paragraph. This year has been so wonderful in many ways, and so very difficult in other ways. Let’s start with the wonderful (=

I think Clinton and I have really settled into a groove here. Last year I was so busy, I really felt that I was unable to enjoy life outside of the school walls. There was also the newness of living in another country and getting used to it. After the summer, however, I was ready to get back into school and tackle my new position as ESL coordinator. In the work arena of my life, it really has been a great year. I have loved this position and helping the school move forward in its ESL initiatives. I’ve also had some great women in leadership to look up to—my boss especially has taught me a lot and really has mentored me through what it means to be a female, Christian leader!

Clinton LOVED coaching again this year for the varsity volleyball and varsity basketball. I really enjoy watching him be a mentor and leader to this great group of guys. They really look up to him and he’s developed a lot of great relationships through the process. He is also well liked by his students and has enjoyed his teaching again this year.

On the personal side of things, I’ve had a little more time to invest in life outside of school. I’ve developed some really great friendships, been involved in a women’s Bible study, and have been trying to keep up exercise through Zumba and Pilates with friends. I think this made me realize how lonely and isolated I felt last year and God really placed a precious few in my life. It’s been such a blessing and really, a lot of fun!

And now for the hard part…

Well, without getting too much into detail, I think that with all the joy this year—I’ve really struggled emotionally. I can’t really pinpoint when it begun…but I know that I really struggled after my grandpa died. When a loved one dies, it’s not a quick fix a couple months later. Still, I felt like I was feeling worn down not just by that, but by things I couldn’t define. I also had blogged about health issues after Christmas. That kind of “scared” me into thinking I really need to stay on top of things. It’s harder to do that when I can’t follow medical terms in Spanish! Clinton remained a constant support for me this year, even at times when he felt worn down too. I think that’s when we seriously started thinking about leaving to return to the States. This is probably one of the hardest decisions we have made in our married life. We have loved being in Ecuador. We have been blessed beyond anything we could have imagined. We love our community—stronger than what we had for three years in New York. AND we love the kids we teach. I think at the end of the day, though, we realized that for the longevity of our ministry and our marriage—this was the best choice. I’m quoting Clinton. I think he said it best because it reminded me that no matter where we go, we’re a witness and a light for Christ.

The past two years I have been overwhelmed by the support and encouragement we’ve had from friends and family. I especially think of my Grandpa who expressed how elated he was to have lived to see me be a missionary in some far off country (=

Please, PLEASE, continue to pray for us. This is a bittersweet move and while I am excited about what God has in store for us—anxiety comes with not knowing! We have begun the process of looking for jobs and it definitely gets wearisome

For those who have supported us financially—our account will automatically be closed when we’re done here. You’ll be notified of the transition in the next month or two. Thanks for helping us serve here in Ecuador!

The preciousness of an awkward moment…

Clinton and I officially met in January of our junior year of college. I had an Ecuadorian boyfriend and he had a huge head of curls….

There's something awkward about posting pictures of an old boyfriend...haha...so here's me and my sister in Ecuador...

I started out that winter session (J-term) feeling liberated by having a boyfriend. It sounds weird I guess, but for once I felt like I didn’t have to read into any of my guy friend relationships or feel dragged down by usual drama of who-likes-who and such. I was content and ready to enjoy the second half of the year after spending the Fall semester in Ecuador.

During the month of January, Clinton and I discovered we had a class together when the Spring semester started. Good. I don’t remember the rest of January.

The first day of class, Clinton sat next to me. We decided to be tutoring partners since we sat together and “knew” each other. Two months went by, he found out I had a boyfriend—awkward pause—we went on being friends, everyone knew he liked me, I denied it, and that was the semester in a nutshell.

Junior year~

um yeah...and then he had no hair

you know, he liked me, I made fun of him...you get the picture

Despite the distracting part of Andrew and the Darth Vader mask, I think Clinton's expression is funny......

The night before my last final of junior year, Clinton and I got together to study. I had been seriously thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend. The distance was too hard, I really cared about this guy—but deep down, I just knew he wasn’t the one. I was really contemplating what to do. Clinton was my friend, a guy, who better to ask for advice?

We were sitting on the floor of the lounge of the science building—I was asking Clinton what should I do? Should I break up with him? Isn’t he going to be hurt, and so on. Clinton was silent the whole time—just looking at me like I was crazy. He finally said “I don’t think I’m the best person to give advice about this”

“Why” I asked innocently (seriously—I REALLY denied the fact that he obviously liked me)

“well….eh hem hem (if you knew Clinton in college…you know his clearing the throat routine, he really doesn’t do it that much any more) I think you like me”

yes, oh yes….you read that correct. He said “I think YOU like me”

I was really, taken aback—umm what? I’m pretty sure I laughed and said “isn’t that a bit presumptuous”

His response “ok, well….I like you”

…..we didn’t start a relationship right away, that’s a story for another time…but I love to remember these awkward moments—they are really precious moments….

My recent thoughts of our marriage have stemmed from witnessing newlywed interactions over the past couple months. The newlywed stage is exciting—there’s newness, excitement, usually the couple can’t take their hands off each other, even when other people are around (=

The funny thing is not for one moment do I wish that I was in the stage again. Clinton and I have gone through many rough spots already in our marriage. We have fought a lot, we have hurt each other, we have come to each other broken, at times it was not pretty—we are stronger and closer for it. We fight better and we love better too.

One of the things I love about my husband is that he always laughs at me….yes AT me. It’s annoying but I love it at the same time. So...this was just a little walk down memory lane and a wonderful reminder of who my husband is and why I love him so much!

Dating life.....

In the midst of it all...

The past month and a half has been an emotional journey—and continues to be so. It’s obvious to say that it started with my Grandpa’s death.

I can be honest and say that after I got through his memorial service and returned to Ecuador, my day-to-day life here didn’t consist of thinking too much about it or even outwardly grieving. I’m realizing though that grief is a process and it doesn’t necessarily manifest itself on the outside as the days go by, but rather it’s a deeper, inner feeling.

I have Grandpa’s obituary on my fridge—it sounds morbid when I write that, but it has a picture of him as well. He’s smiling. It hurts to realize he is no longer here. Even though I didn’t talk with him much when I was here in Ecuador, it was always comforting to know that he was praying for me every morning.

So it’s moments when I feel caught off guard that I start to tear up and feel as raw as when I first found out.

Christmas break was an extreme whirlwind; probably more overwhelming than I would have imagined. We had two weeks to spend with family and friends. It’s precious time, especially when we won’t be home again until the summer.

We spent our first week in PA, during which Clinton’s brother got married. We were both honored to be apart of the wedding. After that, we headed to New York and Connecticut where we spent time with my family. My niece, Mikayla, is growing up so fast. Her vocabulary continues to grow each day and she preciously calls me “Na” (she caught the last part of Tante TiNA) and Clinton “Uncle” (I think we all gave up on her trying to say his name, Uncle seemed to stick!)

Over break, I visited my endocrinologist in New York. I’ve been seeing her since we moved to New York and it made sense to continue seeing her for my thyroid check up. I found out that I needed to get another thyroid biopsy. I was frustrated by this news that interrupted my limited time home—but it had to be done, and my family felt it would be best if I could have it done before we returned to Ecuador. My mother-in-law amazingly got me into a place in PA through friend connections and I’m happy to say that after much anxiety through the whole process, we found that the nodule continues to be benign.

I do see how God works in our lives, but that doesn’t mean that my life feels easier and hard times are lighter. I was just talking with my Bible study group of how during rough times we often forget that we have God to depend on—and really, that dependence should trump the independence that we think we can handle. I don’t feel day-to-day comfort, but I feel comfort when I look back and see how He has guided me and timed things in my life and I am thankful.

Remembering an Amazing Grandpa

The summer before I came to Ecuador, I went to visit my grandparents in Ohio. As I said goodbye to them, I broke down crying. It was the first real time that I noticed their frailness and vulnerability—probably because I was aware of how long it would be until I saw them again. The horrible thought went through my mind of “if I see them again.”

What an amazing God I have when I think about the time I was able to spend with them during this past summer when we were able to visit from Ecuador. The most painful process has been watching my Grandma continue to decline as she goes deeper into dementia. My Grandpa, on the other, despite his almost blindness and his struggle to walk, has a huge smile on his face when we saw him, making jokes with people passing by and sometimes taking a cheerful jab at my Grandma. I don’t think I thought of losing him first.

On Monday, November 7^th, my Grandpa went to be the the Lord. As my sister reminded me, he has a new body now in heaven. He can walk with no pain, see for miles, and most likely is playing beautiful hymns and praises to God. What a comforting thought. Yesterday morning when I shared with my 7^th grade students that I was sad about my Grandpa dying, one of my students pointed out that a praise for our morning prayer-time should be that he’s in heaven. It’s hard to rejoice during this time, but I’m thankful to know he’s free of pain and joyful despite the loss that we feel.

My most vivid memories of my Grandpa are as followed:

-Playing board games with him and my grandma

-The car rides with him every Wednesday when he came to pick me up

-His friendly and joyful singing voice

-His laughter

-His sometimes awkward and inappropriate jokes (more of this in his older age, I think he was losing his filter…haha)

-His music –this, of course, is what I will always remember.

-His all-caps emails

-His reminder to me that him and my grandma prayed for us every morning

When I visited him after being in Ecuador, he told me how proud he was to see me go and serve the Lord. He told me it was honor for him to have lived to see such a special thing.

It is our intent to go home for my Grandpa’s memorial service, but we need your help. Please prayerfully consider assisting us with this added and unexpected cost of airline tickets. We are looking into our options of traveling home for this time to support my family and to help with closure.

Please also pray for my family and I during this time. I’m finding it even harder to be here in Ecuador and away from the familiar while I’m grieving. Clinton has been wonderfully caring and supportive through my uncontrolled emotions these past two days. I am thankful, however, more than ever to know that I have a community of faith both here and at home supporting and praying for us.

Thank you to numerous friends who have encouraged me with verses. This one especially stood out to me from Isaiah 43, reminding me of God’s faithfulness and care:

But now, this is what the LORD says—

he who created you, Jacob,

he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give people in exchange for you,

nations in exchange for your life.

⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

This is one of my favorites: Dad and Grandpa playing music together.